Ripe Tomatoes

A farmers’ market, a vengeful vicar, and approximately £6.50 a pound’s worth of chaos

Gertie & Mildred each have a small dog, and luckily their neighbours are happy to feed and walk them when they go on their travels. Double Moogan is Gertie’s cheeky sausage dog — small in stature, but what he lacks in size he more than makes up for in character. Square Dog is an odd-looking bits-and-pieces dog that waddles on tiny legs too small for his square body. Mildred absolutely adores him, and he knows it.

Everyone loves the dogs, and when walking through town, all and sundry come up to pet them except for Mr. Denzel Stenchbladder, the Vicar of St Mary’s. For some reason, the two dogs find it funny to pee on Stenchbladder’s shoes. And in the summer, on his sandals.

So it was no surprise to me at all that I had to go and bail Gertie & Mildred out of Shoreham Police Station, along with their dogs.

Yesterday, Shoreham held a farmers’ market, and as always, the local politicians gathered for an outdoor surgery. Mr. Denzel Stenchbladder was busy talking to the leader of Adur Council, Johann Sebastian Carp, when Double Moogan cocked his leg and peed on Stenchbladder’s shoes. Disgusted, the Vicar kicked little Double Moogan away, sending him rolling onto his back.

Upon seeing this, Gertie picked up Double Moogan and put Stenchbladder in his place. In a voice you could hear in Southwick, Gertie shrieked: “How very Christian, kicking a small defenceless animal like that!”

Everyone turned and looked at the Vicar. Heads were shaken, and there was a fair amount of tutting.

Embarrassed, Stenchbladder looked down, only to find the funny-shaped Square Dog now peeing on his trouser leg. “Call your filthy dogs to heel,” shouted the Vicar — and that’s when the melee started.

Mildred hit Stenchbladder round the chops with a warm French loaf, and then about the chops again. Gertie, still carrying Double Moogan, picked up some halibut from the wet fish stall and let the Vicar have it both barrels. From Stenchbladder came a string of obscenities as he fell backwards into a stand of ripe tomatoes and slipped onto his backside.

Gertie & Mildred, seeing this, dashed to a rival allotment-grown tomato stand and began hurling green tomatoes at both Stenchbladder and Johann Sebastian Carp. In no time at all, the market-goers had taken sides — dog lovers with Gertie & Mildred, holed up, throwing firm, ripened-at-home tomatoes, and miserable, indigent old gits throwing expensive, ready-to-eat tomatoes.

Soon, both sides were covered in tomatoes. Gertie & Mildred took a better vantage point behind the prime Sussex sausage stall, which soon gave way under the barrage. Square Dog and Double Moogan were then seen heading for quieter climes, a string of pork and cider sausages each. At £6.50 a pound, these sausages were to be savoured. Other sausages are available.

Forty-five minutes the tomato fight lasted, both sides covered in red juice, before the police showed up in a squad car. Both officers had to run the gauntlet of flying love apples and were pelted just the same. Statements were taken, and the four ringleaders were removed before they could be lynched by the other stallholders, who were baying for blood, thousands of pounds’ worth of damage done to their goods and equipment.

Gertie & Mildred, the Vicar of St Mary’s, and the leader of the council, are due at Lewes Assizes, where the stallholders’ representative will hold the naughty four to account and attempt to secure some compensation. Mr. Justice Blanchflower will preside, and no doubt will be less than thrilled to see Gertie & Mildred up before him again, though I know he has a soft spot for the pair and is always lenient, given their ages of ninety-five and ninety-four.

Their longevity could be from the lycopenes in their Mediterranean diet, based mostly on tomatoes.