The Winter Olympics (Again)

Gertie a

The 2026 Winter Olympics take place in northern Italy and run from the 6th to the 22nd of February. With many countries competing across more than sixteen disciplines, from skiing to curling, skating to snowboarding, it promises to be an interesting watch, with 116 medals up for grabs.

Gertie & Mildred, although now in their mid-nineties, are competing in the skiing events, having finally completed a ten-year ban for outright cheating at the 2006 Olympics in Turin.

Following their official inspection in the ski-jumping event back then, both Gertie & Mildred were caught on camera adding extra material to their crotch areas. The additional padding increased surface area and improved aerodynamics, allowing them to fly further. Gertie won the event, with Mildred coming second, but both were stripped of their medals once the footage came to light.

Now back in the fold, Gertie is competing in the Alpine Giant Slalom. She has the Norwegian Pernilla Stink-Bloomers to beat, while Sweden’s Sara Upfannie will also be looking for a medal. Gertie has been training up Mill Hill on a pair of specially designed skis which, despite being used on grass, are expected to perform just as well on snow. She has been honing her slalom skills by dodging sheep droppings and rabbit holes.

Mildred will compete in freestyle skiing, launching herself off a massive ramp before twisting, turning, and somersaulting through the air, then landing beautifully. Her main rivals include China’s Lu Xinxin and the Swiss skier Melty Lindt-Choc.

Both Gertie & Mildred will also feature in the ski jumping, competing on the Normal Hill. They are hoping to out-jump Germany’s Katherina Mingebottom, with the gals aiming for approximately 770 feet from ramp to touchdown.

They have been practising on a ramp built by Skateboard Burt down at Middle Road Recreation Ground. So far, they’ve managed a respectable 767 feet. Unfortunately, they have also received a summons from Adur District Council for constructing a 100-metre structure without prior planning permission.

Gertie & Mildred responded with a brief letter, accompanied by a photograph of council leader Johan Sebastian Dark in a compromising position with his secretary, Denise A. Part. The matter was swiftly closed.

Skateboard Burt has also travelled with the British team and will compete in the half-pipe snowboarding event, which involves riding down a snow-covered ditch from side to side while performing several impressive tricks. His main rival will be Ayumu Igotahernia, though Burt, at 92, has experience on his side and hopes to teach the young lad a thing or two.

Let’s hope the old gals and Burt do well and bring home a medal.

Their coach, Fanny Schmells, has imported sixteen cases of premium vodka to keep the team warm when not competing. This has been waved through by officials after being declared “essential equipment for cleaning skis.”

Go Gertie.
Go Mildred.
Go Burt.